Saturday, February 18, 2012

Día de la Amistad

It has been almost a month since my last blog post, and over the past few days I have been thinking about the reasoning behind that – why haven’t I been blogging as much?

Rather than going into great detail with this, I will just say that I have found words, pictures, etc. not sufficient enough in explaining what is going on in my life now, how El Salvador has been having such a strong impact in my thoughts and in my heart, and also how my Honduran family has been continuing to shape my life.

So I will be honest in saying that these blog pieces will not be able to adequately account for my experiences here in El Salvador and in life. Despite this, I will try my best to convey my thoughts, experiences, ‘breaking of hearts’, etc. to you and I ask that you bear with me as this is an ongoing journey and I am happy you will be able to share with me in these travels.

I guess there is no other perfect way than to start back up on the blog posting during the week of Valentine’s Day, or as it is better known here in El Salvador, Día de la Amistad (Day of Friendship). And I like the way the Salvadorans phrase February 14th. Yes, of course the major stores still sell candy and heart cards, etc., but the commercial aspect is not as present and entrenched as it is in the States. Among my fellow Casa students as well as Casa staff and Salvadorans that I know, Día de la Amistad is a time for friends and a time to show to one another what that friendship really means. What that love really means to an individual and to a relationship.

With a month in to my four-month program in El Salvador, much has happened so far and much more will be happening. And I want to share many of these experiences but I think I will wait and touch on what love means to me.

On March 30, 1991, my parents brought into a life a child. A boy who they decided to call Matthew James Ippel. A boy whom they had no idea what he would look like as he grew older, they would not know what life path he would take, if/how/when he would fall in love, what would grab his interest and his heart, and ultimately what would ‘wreck’ his life. They took a risk in all of this.

So in all that my parents did for me, they did out of love and with love. The genuine love that is more than the words, “I love you,” and extends beyond the grasp of one’s knowledge and imagination. With that love I was brought into the world, raised in a wonderful family, and have had life-changing experiences. Over these past 20 (almost 21!) years, I have learned what love really is and how that love can manifest itself. And to be honest my understanding of love is constantly transforming.

This past Tuesday on Día de la Amistad I was able to Skype with my Dad. I had a few things on my mind that I wanted to talk to him about and it turned out to be a very beautiful conversation. And I cannot get that conversation out of my mind and my heart. After telling my Dad about my experiences here in El Salvador so far and expressing to him how the Spirit has been moving within me and how I find myself discerning more and more what it is that I am called to do in life, my Dad replied, expressing his joy and happiness that I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and to be so open to these experiences that it is having such a profound impact and insight onto my life and my future. He also said that all that he and my Mom have wanted for me is to discern what it is that is most important for me, and how I want to live my life in relation to the world around me – in a sense, my Dad told me the words of Fr. Arrupe, SJ:

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

I have been thinking about love for a while now. I guess my time back in Central America (being first in Honduras and now in El Salvador) has helped me in thinking more about love. I give my parents so much credit and express my gratitude for them in loving me in the way that they have and continue to do. In addition, their freedom in loving me in a way that I constantly strive to do – to love like Christ, with open arms, without limits – has been one of the best gifts that I have ever received. My parents could have easily kept me at home, boxed me in, and not let life, love, or others affect me, my desires, and my understanding of the world. My parents did the opposite. They raised me with the door open, open to the world, to the poor, to the marginalized, to the other. And because of that, I am who I am. Because of their freedom in loving me, I have been able to find love in various parts of my life – one of which, my love for Wilfredo and his family, has manifested itself in such incredible, and unpredictable ways.

Love is a journey, it’s challenging and hard at times, it brings tears of sadness and of joy, it allows for one to break another’s heart, and for others to break your heart.

Spending a few days in the community of El Ocotillo at Wilfredo’s home with his family was a definite recent highlight and it was a time when I saw the interconnectedness of my faith, my love for Christ and for Wilfredo’s family, my deepest desires in life, my ability to be in solidarity with others, and the love that I have for my family and how they have raised me and the freedom that they have given me and entrusted me with.

Since this last summer, my relationship with the community of El Ocotillo and particularly with Wilfredo’s family has evolved. I have found each time that I returned this summer on International Samaritan trips, and this past January when I visited before starting my program here in El Salvador, to be so life-giving, and life-changing, and found that departing and saying farewells is tough. To be honest, I struggled a lot when leaving Wilfredo’s family. I did not want to go. I enjoyed so much being with them and spending time with them. And being able to do all of that in the presence of each other made it for a very special few days. The day I left to go to El Salvador was difficult for me and for the family. I tried to communicate how much my time with them meant to me and how much they mean to me and how much I love them and deeply care for them. And hearing similar responses from them to me was a true blessing and showed me the power of love and being vulnerable. The hardest part came when I had to board a van to the airport. I gave hugs to everyone, saying my good-byes, and allowing the tears to pour down my face. I am an emotional person, so I expected the tears to play a role in the farewell. I did not expect, however, the tears to be shared by all – the entire family was crying. Out of love and joy – without a doubt at that moment I saw the presence of God in my relationship with la familia de Monje Cruz.

Another realization that I recognized a few days later was that my heart was/is broken. As I gave Nefi, one of the eldest boys, un abrazo (a hug) I told him that he was like my younger brother and that he meant the world to me. After spending such a beautiful three days with this family and having such a beautiful relationship evolve and blossom into such a beautiful gift from God, I realized that this family had broken my heart in such an incredible and beautiful way. Then, there is the other side of the coin. As I embraced Nefi and saw the tears trickling down his eyes, I realized that I had broken his heart and the hearts of his family. What a grace-filled moment. Another moment in engaging the real and being in la realidad (reality).

I do not know what this love means for me and for my life. As much as I want to know how this will be playing a role for the rest of my life and to what extent I will get to spend time with Wilfredo’s family, this is in God’s hands and I place my full patient trust with God. I do know one thing for sure. That falling in love is amazing, and I have been able to experience that “falling in love” as Fr. Arrupe describes it at various points in my life. I love falling in love. And the beauty of it is that it doesn’t end once one falls in love. I know that if I continue to be open and vulnerable, continue to allow myself to evolve and further develop as a person, as a lover, as a friend, then love will continue to manifest itself in ways that I cannot even imagine in my life, ways that will continue to shape and mold me, and will ultimately decide my life. A life lived in the pursuit of love.

Thanks, Mom and Dad, for loving me and for providing me with a foundation of love, and for taking a risk with me. I love you both.

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